On being sober

To note:  I ummed and ahhed as to whether to share my story.  Some advised against it.  But is life not about sharing and learning from others.  Where would we be if we did not have our fellow human beings to guide us through this thing called life?  Especially in times of trouble.

Today marks one year (that's 12 months / 52 weeks / 365 days / 525600 minutes) of not having a drink.  Wow.  I will be honest - if you had asked me if I would stop drinking 13 months ago I would have laughed, brushed you off and had another swig or two of beer.  But I had to.

I remember having my first drink, it was at a New Years Party when I was 14 years old.  Writing this now, I realise how young I was, but it was normal.  I didn't drink much in High School, I was super involved in sports which I loved so much and that kept me busy.  When I hit 17, all my friends were turning 18 and we were finishing school so I got myself a fake ID (thanks to a friend who I am still close too now - love you girl) and started partying and drinking.  I loved it. It was fun.  No harm done.

First hangover - the day after my 18th Birthday.  I drank absinthe and other concoctions which ended in me leaving my own party at 10pm as I was so sick.  But again - I loved it. It was fun.  I then decided I wanted to move to the UK for a gap year, so I packed my bags in search of something else, something I couldn't find in Cape Town.

While working in the UK in hotels and pubs, all I did was work and party. My drinking increased, I put on weight but I didn't really think about it.  I was young, I was having fun.  I then moved jobs and got an office job.  I don't really remember drinking loads in those days - I think I settled down a bit.  I would have a night out on the weekends but nothing major.

I met my husband in 2006, we moved in together in 2007 and then I got some news that would change my life forever.  My little sister, Grace was diagnosed with cancer.  I don't know why or how but to cope with this I drank.  I don't exactly remember going from being a "normal" drinker to a heavy drinker - I think it was gradual but anyway I definitely increased my intake as it got to one day when one bottle of wine wasn't enough for me.

After my sister died in May of 2009, emotionally I did not want to face up to what had happened.  I went for counselling and I remember SO clearly being told I should stop drinking as it was my crutch and by doing so I was not dealing with what had happened to me.  So I stopped for 3 months.  I remember being so proud but I knew in my mind that it wasn't going to be forever.  I couldn't possibly stop drinking forever - I had weddings and parties to go to. I couldn't not drink.  That would be ludicrous!! 

Then - on the 17th September 2009 I got engaged to my best friend. I was so happy.  We were in the Wilderness, on the Garden Route in South Africa on holiday.  I was thrilled and it was so unexpected.  I cried and cried (with happiness!) and then had a few drinks to celebrate.

Leading up to our weddings I remember drinking a lot - I was stressed - what with two weddings to plan and still dealing with my onoing grief I found alcohol to be the only way I could get through the day.  Most days after work I would pick up a bottle of wine and some beers and polish those off in the evening.  It was a downward spiral.

I was what you would call a functional alcoholic.  Looking back - I do not know how I went to work and did everyday things.  Seriously - I was constantly nauseous, retching in the mornings, getting sick most nights, popping painkillers, ate unhealthy food and piled on the weight.  I was miserable.  Our weddings came and went - and yes - of course I had a fabulous time.  We had four weeks of partying, love and happiness all spent with friends and family.  It was fantastic.  But I was slowly coming to the realisation that I was relying on alcohol to live my life day to day.

The first time I started to acknowledge this was in December 2010.  We had been back from our wedding and honeymoon holidays for nearly 2 months and I suddenly realised that I had not gone one day without drinking.  2 solid months.  I was taken aback with myself.  When I thought I should have a break I started to get anxious; stressing about if I could go a day without having a drink.  How could I?  I need it to relax, to de-stress after my day.  But I was getting tired.  Tired of being sick, feeling hungover and just feeling "fuzzy-headed" all. the. time. 

I tried different things. I tried only drinking on the weekends, which turned into drinking Friday - Monday. As Mondays are hard of course and everyone needs a drink on Monday evenings.  You can guess that this just developed back into drinking 7 days a week.  I tried only drinking wine to lose the weight from drinking beer. I tried only drinking spirits.  Nothing worked.  Of course nothing worked.

In March 2012 we went to South Africa on holiday which we try to do every year.  I remember thinking to myself before the holiday to take it easy on the booze - have fun but have control.  I didn't want to wake up every morning hungover and struggle to enjoy being home.  It was a fabulous holiday but I don't think I went one day without having a drink.  By this stage I was conscious of this fact.  I started thinking and planning our days based on when I was going to drink.  I would have a few beers at lunch and then just carry on throughout the day.  My mom and sister started to worry.  I started to worry.  What was I going to do?

It was not an option to stop drinking.  It just can't be the only way.
Unfortunately, with my genes and my personality it was the only way and it was something I had to accept.  Leading up to my last days of drinking I was visiting the GP, drinking copious amounts and trying to figure out what to do.  In my heart I knew what that was.
And then I woke up one morning and decided. Enough was enough.

That was on Monday 23rd April.  I built up my courage and went to my local AA meeting.  I sat in the car wondering if I should go in.  I nearly went home.  But I went in and I listened.  But I wasn't like these people.  I hadn't lost everything, I had my job, my friends, my family and a life.

But that night I saw what I could become.  I saw what my life was spiralling towards.  Nevertheless - the next evening I had another drink and that was to be my last.  It was a gin and tonic and to be honest at that point I wasn't drinking for the taste.  I was drinking for the feeling.  And that's when you know you have to stop.

1 year on and I cannot tell you how different my life is.  I am in control. I am happy, healthy, functional and organised.  I am me again.  I have lost the feelings of resentment, self-loathing, low self-esteem and worthlessness.  I can see life for what it is again - a journey which is to be enjoyed to the full. I couldn't do that if I continued to drink.

The support I have received from friends and family is phenomenal.  I am blessed.  This is it.  This is how you learn and I had fun. I had my partying days and I can still party but then drive everyone home.  Not a bad deal if you ask me.